Pick the sign that relates to the day you were born again for a genuine word of knowledge to really speak into your situation. Not tobe confused with horoscopes, which are of course the sporron of Beelzebub.

January: Habukkuk – Friday will be a good day for body-piercing, phlegm and walking on water. You have an unclaimed gift for compost making.

February: Orion – Your divinely appointed star has started flickering, wandering aimlessly about the sky and dripping with blood. Stay in bed until further notice.

March 1 – April 19: Delirius – A spirit of romantic fulfillment will visit you this weekend, eat most of your food and nick your video.

April 20-24: Ulrika – A good week for Baptists: you will feel warm and cosy on Wednesday, and won't get bored on Sunday. Unfortunately, if you're a fundamentalist you'll be struck down by plague (or possibly frogs).

April 25 – May 6 and May 11 – June 2: Oregano – You are a psychotic Unitarian with bad breath, and should give up playing the oboe.

June 3 – July 2: Nissan – Your providentially blessed day is Tuesday, your spiritually bountiful number is Pi and your powerfully-claimed-in-the-spirit food additive is E171. This a good time to grow a beard.

July 8 – August 2: Emmerdale – We all hate you because you haven't got a mobile phone.

August 3: Plectrum – Why not try fudge flavoured hot chocolate? And if you like fruit, have you considered the possibilities of mango? They're very nice, especially in slices. Tuesday is a good day for sorting out your sock drawer. Watch out for anvils falling from the sky.

August 4 – September 2 and May 7-10: Snickers – I can't go into details, but you should wear shades, get your life insured, and avoid your next-door neighbours.

September 3 – September 25, 4 am: Smithers – This week is a complete pile of pants. Forget it.

September 25, 4 am – October 11: Stumpy Spice – The moon of Uranus is in full view, so now would be a good time to review your financial affairs, revive old friendships and check your trousers.

October 12 – December 31: Dribble – Keep your eyes open this week, though most people don't need to be told. Your providentially chosen Old Testament book is Nahum. Sorry about that.

© Rev. Gerald Ambulance 2002